wordy and verbose, prolific, prone to prose

Day Two.

2011-02-14T11:49:00.003-05:00

A letter to someone I've lost touch with?
If I no longer talk to someone it's either for a good reason and intend not to talk to them again or because our lives have taken different paths, in which case, I should just call them up.
I haven't posted because I've been stuck on day two.
Thanks to Facebook, I don't have a ton of problem losing touch with people. Sounds like a promotional blog for Facebook.
I'll write to Myspace, then, since I have indeed lost touch with it.
Dear Myspace,
In high school I thought you were awesome. You had crazy awesome customization tools and I could do whatever I wanted to make my page look cool. But you kind of suck now and no one really uses you. It's a little sad. I put a lot of effort into making my Myspace really cool. Oh well. Thanks for the good times. And no thanks for all the drama you caused.
Love,
Sophie

Day One.

2010-11-10T22:22:00.002-05:00

(See this post for what I'm doing)
HOW CAN I CHOOSE JUST ONE QUOTE?! Here are a few.
Favorite quotes:
Janet Fitch "The phoenix must burn to emerge"
Brother Ali "You can either choose the heart or the fist but you will connect with me if your path ever intersect with me"
V for Vendetta "People should not fear their government, the government should fear its people"
Dresden Dolls "you can tell
from the scars on my arms
and cracks in my hips
and the dents in my car
and the blisters on my lips
that i'm not the carefullest of girls"

Ten Days.

2010-11-10T22:20:00.001-05:00

A friend of mine posted this and I think I'll do it too! :) Can't say all the days will be consecutive but...

Day One: Your favorite quote.

Day Two: Write a letter to someone that you’ve drifted away from and now miss.

Day Three: Describe your first kiss, where you were, who saw and how you felt when it happened.

Day Four: Three things that you’ve done in your life that you regret doing / not doing.

Day Five: Tell the story of your favorite memory.

Day Six: Three things that you wish you could do right now.

Day Seven: Your favorite TV show, movie, song and book.

Day Eight: A letter to your best friend.

Day Nine: Five items you’d grab in a fire.

Day Ten: The hardest thing you’ve ever had to do.

New look, New semester, New life.

2010-10-21T18:57:00.003-04:00

It's hard to keep up with a billion different blogs!
So, I'll give a quick update then go into more stuff in detail.
Junior year at Earlham!
Living off campus with my dog Jet.
Cleaning kennels at the local animal shelter.
Awesome boyfriend.
Challenging classes.
Good friends.
Good life.

Not much to say about Jet. She's doing fine. Just being her sweet little self. Keeping me happy, mood fairly stable, etc. I love have a fairly stable mood. It gives me more energy and motivation!
Work is generally fairly boring. I clean kennels 6 hours a week. It's dirty and gross. But it makes me money and I know I'm helping animals. Which is a nice feeling.
Been dating Zach for a month and a half. He's pretty awesome. We mesh well. Hopefully he'll be coming to meet everyone for our family Thanksgiving! That would be fantastic. I think everyone would love him. He's super funny and sweet and nerdy and just generally a good guy. Who isn't crazy. So that's a major plus right there!
I'm taking a really hard math/psych class (which I have an exam in tomorrow so I should be studying...). It's required for my psych major. It's really hard.
Life is really good right now. I hope I don't jinx it!!!!!

Note: credit to mc chris for the lyrics in my new blog name/description.
Hope all is well with everyone!
xoxox
love,
sophia

Heat

2010-07-07T16:01:00.001-04:00

Apparently it's only 77 degrees. I don't know if I believe that. It's so humid. I can barely BREATHE.
Passed my CNA test. Back in Madison. Going to see Toy Story 3 in 3D today with my dad. Have to escape the heat somehow.
DEAR EVERYONE WITH AIR CONDITIONING,
I HATE YOU.
SINCERELY,
SOPHIE

May

2010-06-24T00:03:00.002-04:00

Today was my last day of clinicals. I worked three days 3-9pm at a nursing home in Minneapolis. It was an interesting experience. To say the least. The nursing home I visited is pretty average for a nursing home. I think anywhere you go where people are suffering from dementia is going to be sad, but the care people receive in these places is really quite terrible. No interactions. Just a person coming in to their room, slapping a diaper on them and throwing them into bed, or into their wheelchair. Each nursing assistant can have up to 10 residents that they have to take care of. It's impossible to care for them all in a shift. With all the cuts to healthcare, there is NOT enough staff to care for the people in these nursing homes.
But what I really want to talk about is a woman I worked with who I just really liked. I'll call her May. May is a resident in a nursing home. She can't walk and needs to be lifted with a Hoyer lift. She spends her day in a wheelchair. When I first met her she was glaring at everyone with a confused look on her face. And when the nursing assistant went to move her, she yelled in a somewhat hard to understand wavery voice "GE' OUDDA HERE". Though she doesn't talk much and when she does it's hard to understand and she's usually yelling, May has spunk. During dinner she'll be very clear on whether or not she likes the food. Today during dinner she asked where her mother was. As we were putting her to bed she looked my in the eyes and said "Get me outta here. Please. Let's go." As we gave her a bed bath and got her into a gown I held her hand and when I went to leave she said "Don't go!" I noticed a photo album next to her bed and wondered when the last time she got to look at it was. God knows none of the staff helped her look at it. I opened it to a picture of a girl looking over her shoulder, raising a sassy eyebrow at the camera as she made a campfire. Captioned "May in 1949". More pictures showed May hunting and fishing, showing off huge fish and holding up trophies. She wore pants in almost all the pictures except for one where she was dancing and laughing with a man. She looked at this one for awhile and said "Pretty". I was completely fascinated by these old photos of a woman so different and yet so much the same and the one I sat by. I wish I could take comfort in May having family visit often. But I can't. It was fairly obvious no one had visited her in a loooongg time.
Before I left, May smiled at me. It was the first time in three days of working with her that I had seen her smile. She smiled and smiled and smiled and for a second I could see that sassy brunette at the campfire twinkling in her eye.
Go volunteer at your local nursing home.
These people need you.
Go from room to room just holding hands and I promise you it'll help both them and you.

Med free

2010-05-28T00:01:00.002-04:00

Dear Readers,
I have been settling in quite well here in Saint Paul. Jet and I have become the best of friends. She is a great dog. Jet is a pit bull mix who was rescued from a puppy mill in 2009. I am making a video blog about here. Here is the link if you would like to follow that: http://www.youtube.com/user/pitsarebomb

I've applied for a few jobs helping out kids and stuff, but I haven't heard back. My nursing assistant class is pretty monotonous. They're very basic tasks and most things just require common sense, which I would say I have a generous amount of.

A little before coming home from school, I decided to stop taking my medications for anti-depressants. Not the best idea to just suddenly stop but I figured I was on a pretty low dose anyway. A few side effects at first (dizziness, nausea, etc) and then I started to notice that I cried more often. Over little things that I cried over before meds, but not during. Such as commercials. I wouldn't even have to be sad, I would just cry. This has petered out for the most part though I did cry quite a lot while watching my cousin on ABC's What Would You Do? (Kevin Lind). I have been noticing that I feel a greater range of emotions. Maybe it's a skewed view, looking back like this but I feel like I was able to only reason a certain level in my emotions. For example, if 10 is extremely depressed and 1 is extreme happiness, I feel as if I was only allowed to reach 3-6, maybe 7. Now I feel very real. I am med free. I am able to feel the high highs that come with life. I thank medication for stabilizing me and keeping me afloat and letting me feel happiness when I just couldn't see any, but I'm ready to move on at the moment. My dad said I need something to replace the meds, something to focus my energy on. I think this is right. Jet has been who I place all this new energy on and she helps keep me occupied when I start feeling low. Without something to focus on, it would be very easy to become overwhelmed by all these emotions.
Thanks for the wisdom, Dad. Jet is a great companion.

This is all for tonight. I'm off to play World of Warcraft (WoW). I have become quite addicted.

Summer

2010-05-12T12:06:00.002-04:00

Hello Dear Readers,
I am home (for a few more days) for the summer! I have been relaxing and making some new friends who I will be quite sad to leave in Madison. I'm moving to St. Paul on Friday with my new dog, Jet! I'll be taking a class to be a certified nursing assistant.

This is just a tiny little short update.
I'm pretty sick, so I'm off to sleep away even MORE of the day!

elapsed time

2010-03-13T21:27:00.003-05:00

dear readers,
i feel as though i have failed you.
my entries are infrequent at best, and my prose don't convey the captivating intrigue that i had hoped for.
yet i shall struggle on, if you shall bare with me.
i hope these brief glimpses into my rather mediocre life give you all some pleasure.
love,
sophie

I'm home for spring break. Woo! Quite a lot has happened since my last post, I guess. Relationships have come and gone (I added an 's' just to make it seem like I date a ton of people when really it was just the one). Suns have risen and set. I passed my "Two Years Clear" mark on March 10th. Have to say, that felt pretty good. My friends bought me a cake that was, and continues to be, delicious. No more cutting for THIS girl. Nuh-uh!

I got arrested as well, I suppose. It was really just a misunderstanding. I was speeding and the cop thought I was drunk. He smelled alcohol in the car because of a friend. He gave me a roadside sobriety test (consisting of following his finger, walking a straight line, standing on one foot, etc) and I failed miserably. I was so terrified and it was so cold I just fell over several times. So he cuffed me and put me in his car and took me back to the station to be breathalyzed and it was all zeros because I hadn't been drinking. So he felt foolish. Then he gave me a $130 speeding ticket and dropped me off at a waffle house to find my own way back to my car. Thanks, fascist.

I want to start playing more video games. Also, I want an Xbox360. I have never had any sort of game system. I always just played games on my computer. But I believe this nrrrd grrrl needs to graduate to a legitimate game console. Now accepting donations.

Also, pass out boyfriend applications to all your sane, relatively stable, unattached, chilled out, funny, guy friends for me.
Preferably he would have an Xbox360 so that when we broke up I could claim it was a gift to me and then sue him for it on Judge Judy...

My rats are really happy to have a bigger cage at home. They're acting quite ridiculous. I think they're delirious from happiness. I'm gonna miss them hardcore when I leave them here for the rest of the semester.

Also, what should I do this summer? Should I live in Madison? DC? Philly? Richmond? Muncie?
Ideas people! IDEAS!

Sweet. Thanks. I look forward to hearing what I'm going to do with my life from you all.

resolutions

2010-01-09T12:21:00.000-05:00

Here is my resolutions list from 2009 and the results.

not to fall for people so fast: fail
not to fall for assholes: fail
lose at least 15-20 pounds: CHECK
exercise with elissha: fail
cry less: check
study harder: fail
get a job: fail
spend less: fail
pay off debt to mom: fail
make more presents: check
let people know how important they are: semi check
do things to enrich others lives and therefore enrich my own: check
try and grow up a little bit: check

woo hoo! I'd say I did a pretty good job.

Here are 2010's resolutions:

Complete honesty with self and others.
Keep volunteering.
Think less about self, more about others.
Branch out socially.
Take summer classes if not traveling.
Exercise more.
Declare major.

wish me luck and happy new year to you all.

an end for an ending

2009-12-18T22:08:00.004-05:00

I wish I could have written more in this blog, I apologize dear readers.
I have finished up my internship at CcTC and left Philadelphia earlier today.
So much has happened to me since I went to Philadelphia. I have changed so so much. I am so much more grown up. I know that sounds kinda goofy, but really. I can pay bills, make food, get to work, and generally take care of myself. It's pretty awesome.

My last day of work was on the 10th of December but today I went back because the nurse (Ms. Pam, who I adore) told me the boy that I worked with more intensively(D), got me a Christmas present. So, as it was my last day in Philly, I went back to see him. I was in Ms. Pam's office and someone went to get D. They said "There's a surprise for you in there!" and when he saw me he RAN to me and threw his arms around me and gave me the longest hug I have ever gotten. He just held on and held on and held on. He never wanted to let go. Then he gave me my present that was all wrapped up and had a little card. I opened it and it was a whole bunch of colorful barrettes. It was so perfect. I wear those things all the time. I said "how did you know exactly what I wanted??!" and he said "I don't know, I just did. I told my grandma that."
It made me feel amazing to know that I really mattered. Not only that, but he noticed things about me. He watched me and knew things that I liked. He is the sweetest little boy in the world and after he left, I cried. I adore that boy and I will miss him SO much.

Now for some more personal, less work related business.
On Halloween night, I got a concussion. A guy I considered to be a very good friend got really really drunk. In my attempt to help him home, he got upset. He pushed me and my head slammed against a brick wall. He then ran back to the party we were just at. I was dazed, my head was spinning, and I was alone. My next move reflects, perhaps, somewhat poorly on me. I followed him back and slapped him and told him to never touch me like that again. The next day he couldn't remember any of it. A day later, after headaches and spins, I ended up in the ER. We talked it over. He seemed totally shocked. This guy was a friend of mine all through the semester. With that being said, I was totally aware of the fact that he was pretty much the biggest jerk you can imagine. Everything he says is confrontational and sarcastic. He is above everyone and condescends to EVERYONE, including people who are nice to him, or even teachers. Our entire relationship mostly consisted of interactions like this.
ME: Wanna hang out?
HIM: hmmmm.... lemme get back to you
ME: okay
HIM: No.
ME: Why?
HIM: You're a waste of space and you're wasting my phone time too.
ME: K, I'll be over in like, an hour
HIM: K, see you.
And then I would get to the door and he would say "Can I help you?" and keep asking when I was going to leave but then act all offended when I started to leave.
After the concussion, I forgave him because it was seemingly obvious that he was torn up about it. But dealing with this guy is always a challenge. His goal for the day is to make everyone feel like total crap. Usually he does a pretty good job with it, too. But there was just something about him that I knew there were really a nice person under all that. And there was. One time he made me dinner. We had a really great time and he was sweet and funny. And kinda drunk. That's the way it always was. He was sweet and nice to me when we were alone and he had been drinking. Sometimes there were weeks in which he would ignore me. Then suddenly we'd be talking again. Finally, it was the end of the semester and I wanted to hang out with him on the last day. I had been trying to let all of his negativity roll off my back. Long story short, he tried to get rid of me a few times while walking to someone's house, then once at the house, proceeded to get eyes-rolling-back-in-the-head-drunk. I tried to get him to walk home with me. I said I had left something at his house and I needed it. Then, he pushed me.
I will put up with a lot from people. But I will never, ever tolerate someone abusing me. One time is still messed up, but I forgave him. Twice is an abusive habit. And that will not fly.
Some other boring things happened in between here, consisting of him going to my house with his roommate (when only his roommate was invited) and him sitting in my living room, calling me a dog. Then me threatening to call the police. His roommate was so amazing and supportive of me. The roommate encouraged me when I said I just wanted to lay it all out to this guy. So I did, I told him every single thing he did that made me feel awful and how I put up with his crap since day one and I was the only one in the program who actually liked him (which is true). His roommate then pretty much kicked him out of my house and it was fantastic. I felt so free.

After all the literature I read, it's still so hard to deal with someone when they hurt you. Not just physically. He really hurt me emotionally. I'm okay now, I want to be around people who want to be around me. I am a pretty cool lady and I'm really starting to realize that. So I don't need people trying to manipulate me and hurt me. It's just sad. He really is messed up. Something is very wrong. He is probably extremely depressed and tries to mask with with alcohol. I really hope he can get some help and work all his issues out. But I am not going to be the one to help him.

Thank you Philadelphia, for a beautiful and amazing semester in your sweet, sweet arms.

Don't second guess your feelings, you were right from the start

2009-11-29T14:44:00.006-05:00

I didn't really talk about what CcTC is, so I'll do that now.
Their website says
"SERVING THE BEHAVIORAL HEALTH NEEDS OF CHILDREN AND THEIR FAMILIES
Children's Crisis Treatment Center (CcTC) is a private non-profit agency dedicated to assisting children and their families cope with the impact of behavioral health issues, traumatic events and other challenges that have an effect on childhood development."

It's a very challenging job. I've been really struggling on how to come home and deal with everything I've seen at work. I try and stay optimistic for each child, but it's so hard. I look at my safety plan several times a day. Sometimes I go and sit in Ms. Pam's office and just breathe. That really helps. Other times I count to 10. When I get home, I try to just relax and think of all the positive things that happened that day. I'll count the number of hugs I got that day or the number of times a child raised a quiet hand to ask for help or how many kids sat in their squares during Circle Time. That always makes me feel a lot better.
I'm working with one little boy who I'll call D. He really struggles a lot so I made a little chart for him where he can get stickers for listening. When he gets a certain number, he can get something from the treasure chest that I spent 20$ restocking. He's been doing okay with this system. Some days are better than others. I'm really proud of him.

I've been leading Circle Time a lot and planning activities. It's really exciting to see them do projects I made up. The picture to the right is a portrait of me by a little girl in my class. The picture to the left is D's bear that he made. The project was to color the bear, glue it in 'the cave' and put 'snow' around the hibernating bear cave.

I made Thanksgiving dinner for two of my roommates and myself. We had a turkey (from a bag..), mashed potatoes, corn, peas, green beans, stuffing, pears, peaches, mandarin oranges, pudding, and pumpkin pie. It was SOOOO good. Then we had a wishbone and when I broke it with my roommate, I won! I was pretty excited. I hope my wish comes true.

your eyes are either gray or blue

2009-10-19T22:03:00.003-04:00

Whenever I have a lot of other things to do, I always update my blog.
Sorry it's been so long. I know you were all waiting on pins and needles.

PHILLY
Is the best city ever. I love it. I'll probably move here after college. And plus, they have one of the best grad schools for art therapy in the country. So much to do. So much to see. Blah blah blah, you know what I mean. It's fantastic. Hate to be cliche but the diversity here is pretty awesome.

CcTC
Children's Crisis Treatment Center is pretty much the best place to work. I adore all the children and I'm actually DOING something. This is why I freaking hate school. I sit in class. I take notes. I stare at a chalkboard. What am I even doing? I'm not helping anyone but myself and I pretty much hate it. But at CcTC, I can SEE the impact I'm making. I'm in a hands-on situation where I'm dealing with real kids who have severe psychological issues. I'm not just reading about them in books. It's so much more real.
I love walking in each morning. Putting the mini chairs with their names on them around the table. Going outside to the playground and saying good morning to them all as they run around, groggy eyed from sleep.
Each day in the classroom is a challenge, I won't lie. I'm kicked, punched, bit, and spat at on a pretty regular basis. But I love it. I really hope I'm making the kind of difference I think I'm making. I feel like I'm really getting through to some of them.
One kid asked if he could come home and live with me. I wanted to say "YES OF COURSE YOU CAN TY****!!!!!!" but obviously I couldn't. He'll also randomly come up to me and say "Um, Midth Dophiy?" "Yes, Ty****?" "I dub you!" and hug me around the knees. ((translation: Um, Miss Sophie? I love you!))
(The picture is from when we carved pumpkins at CcTC. The one I did is on the right. Pretty proud of it. :-) )

SOCIAL
Roommates are still way cool. Hanging out with some pretty cool people. Yeahhhh. I'm happy about it all.
I'm sure there's a ton more to say but I'm blanking. Shorter post than usual but oh well. I am procrastinating and I should be doing about a million other things.

~ma salaama~

Rollie and Philly

2009-09-08T17:10:00.003-04:00

Well I am all settled in to Philadelphia. I live in an amazing apartment on Spruce St, a really great neighborhood. I absolutely love my roommates. Martha, Lindsay, and Anna. They're all really super cool.

Today we went to a pet shelter. We fell in love with a dog named Tootsie Roll and we decided to foster her.
We call her Rollie. She's a Pitbull/Bulldog mix and she's SO cute.
I love Philly.
I love Rollie.

WSUM 91.7 Madison Student Radio

2009-08-28T17:39:00.004-04:00

Last night I was on Madison's student radio. Shani's brother had me on his show. (Shout out to DCNY PRO) He had me on to talk about poetry. I read my poem 'The Siege' and we talked a lot about Palestine and poetry and what's going on over there and my inspiration. It was really really cool. I was so nervous at first but it got better and I started really having fun. I read another poem too and he interviewed me some more.
I'm really excited that I got to talk about Palestine on the radio!
DJ, a guy I knew in middle school, also showed up and he did a really cool spoken word piece. He said I was his new favorite poet which was very flattering considering how cool and into the spoken word scene he is.
Shani went with as well and asked some really insightful and interesting questions. She also made a plug for my poetry Myspace (http://www.myspace.com/pixiesoph139). We did some shout-outs to the South-side, which is always nice. My dad made a recording of it for me, which I'm really excited to have. And I don't sound half bad on the radio!
Tonight is my presentation about Palestine and I hope it goes well. I think a lottt of people are going to come. Yikes!

Fire

2009-08-19T13:19:00.003-04:00

I'm exhausted.
Every free second I spend working on my Palestine PowerPoint or editing the pictures from my trip or hanging out with people, trying to get them to care about Palestine.
I feel like I can hear all those people screaming in my head. All the people in pain, who have ever been in pain. Who have died at the hand of a soldier, a bomb, or a settler.
Numbers and percentages are flying all around me and I feel like one big jumble of numbers and screams and images and noises.
Something is deep inside me, ripping, slicing, tearing its way out. I just keep shoving it deeper and deeper and soon I fear it will over power me and explode outward, destroying everything in its way.
I don't think this fierce anger will ever go away. But then,
only fire can fight the coming flood.

The Siege

2009-08-18T02:18:00.000-04:00

this poem is based off the siege on the church of the nativity that lasted April 2 to May 10, 2002.

They told him to follow the blood.
He was looking for a safe place
and they told him
to follow the trail of the injured
who crawled
to the Church of the Nativity.
He sought
sanctuary.

He carried his friend
on his back.
His friend that begged to be killed
rather than taken
by soldiers.
He carried him through the streets--
more like rivers--
filled with blood.
His heart broke
as he ran
past the other injured
who lined the streets
and called for help
for mercy.
He wanted to carry them all
on his back.
He ran
past the bullets--
flying in a city
where doves
should fill the skies.

Helicopters shot
from every angle
but he ran
until the church
was in sight.
They'd have to jump
across rooftops
but his friend
could barely stand
let alone make it
to the other side.
But his friend
wanted to do it
himself.
He was not
afraid
to die.
He took out a picture
of his children
kissed them
and jumped
off
the roof,
falling
to the street
stories below.

Alone
the man
finally
reached the church
and had solemn reunions
with other friends.
He lay with them
against the walls
bleeding
in a place
built on the land
that was the birthplace
to a peacekeeper
to a healer.
There were no wise men
knocking on the door
baring gifts.
The only things they received
were bullets
in the head.

40 days
he waited
among women
and children.
The men held the children
against the wall
used their bodies
as shields
we are willing to die
they said
for our children.

No food
no water
he ate the leaves
off the trees
and the grass
from the ground
and then
there was nothing.

Huddled in corners
the smell
of rotting flesh
filling
the air.
Yet
they were not
afraid
to die.

When peace did not work
they picked up their stones
but
two pistols
between
two hundred
of them
cannot compete
with thousands
of soldiers
hundreds of helicopters
and hard
cold
machine guns.

It's hard to win a war
when you refuse
to shoot babies
it's hard to protect your children
when a huge
concrete wall
full of impassable checkpoints
stands between you
and the hospital
and your child looks at you
through the blood
flowing from her shrapnel wounds
with a look of defeat
with eyes
that are quickly
becoming
empty.

I lean my back
against a cool
marble pillar
in the church
as he recounts
his story.
I'm running my fingers
across the floor
and up the walls
looking for some
trace.
If it were blood
from the birth
this place was built for
there would be glass
surrounding it
and a plaque
of commemoration.
But something as holy
as the blood of
these martyrs
is washed away
without
a word.

And I wonder
when
we'll learn.
I wonder when
will we start
to listen
to the cries
of fatherless children
of sonless mothers
of sister-less brothers
and brother-less sisters.
How much
blood
must pass through
our fingers
before we start
to pay attention?
It's time--
far past time--
that we move to action.
But I'm afraid
I'm not speaking
loud enough.
I am a megaphone
but I have no batteries.
I am a speaker
in the land
of the voiceless.
Yet I stumble on words
like rubble in the street.
I choke on my sentences
like my mouth
is full of ash.
Yet I know
from the ash
the phoenix
rises.

The Power in a PowerPoint

2009-08-17T18:19:00.003-04:00

I am not a very good speaker.
This is not some kind of self-pity rant.
I just really don't speak well.
I'm not terribly afraid of speaking in front of a lot of people.
In fact, I love it when I'm doing Slam poetry.
But I have never given a speech before about me.
Put me in front of a class and I can talk all about Henry Fielding or psychological disorders.
Never have I given a speech about my experiences.
SO, this should be fun.
I'm trying to get together enough information to make a good PowerPoint about my time in Palestine. It's coming along really well but I've learned that words should be minimal on the presentations and you should just speak. Yikes.
I get all turned around and I jumble my words and feel stupid.
I'm also trying to get all this together before I leave on the 30th, which is REALLY soon.
I have more courage about it more recently though. I think the people I know will want to hear what I have to say and they'll be good listeners.

Also, my DHL box came and I got my pictures, which I am trying to edit and make good enough for a show when I go back to Earlham.

1 2 3 4 Occupation no more

2009-08-13T11:07:00.003-04:00

5 6 7 8 Israel is a fascist state.

I started making pro-Palestine plushies to sell online. Hopefully I'll make a little money to donate to the landddd fundddd.
http://www.missphoenix06.etsy.com
Once I get my PICTURES in the mail, I will try and put together a little talk for friends and family, too.
I just need to remember that things take time and I can't do it all instantly. I'm getting frustrated about that. I'll be able to do a lot of stuff when I get back to school in the spring, too.

.BREATHE.

Where do I go

2009-08-12T01:38:00.003-04:00

I am trying to figure out how to go on.
How do I carry on.
How how how?
My time back so far has consisted of me sitting in my room.
Crying
or wanting to cry.
Or,
if I'm out,
being disgusted by everyone I see.
I cannot relate
to those I love
and those who know me
best.

I get hung up
on all this
domestic
shit.
My thoughts are filled with

what will i do with ten rats??
how can i get rid of seven of them quickly?

and

why hasn't he texted?
what does he mean by 'childish'?
maybe he's just too old. he doesn't understand.

i expect everyone to realize that this culture shock
is making me
hate
everyone
i talk to.
but that's
of course
ridiculous.
i try and quietly
deal
with this panic/hatred/pain/loneliness.

So i watch my rats play
and grow.
and i catch up on Trueblood
and re watch Firefly for the 34232th time.
i scratch open the scabs i got
in Palestine
and it reminds me
of being there.
and feeling
at peace.
in a land
surrounded
by war.

The land

2009-08-05T13:42:00.002-04:00

For our work project we are clearing land by the Lajee Canter.
It is the LAST piece of land in the camp.
It is owned by a rich family. They will sell it to the center.
For 200,000 Euros.
Otherwise it's going to someone who will tear it up and build an ugly huge building on it.
We are trying to raise money so that these kids can have a place to play.
As of right now, they are picking up the shells of bullets in the street and climbing barbed wire fences for fun.
If we get the money to buy the land, these kids will have a safe place to play.
Please please please let me know if you're interested in donating.
We're setting up a donate page soon but it would be great to get some support before that even happens.

--ma salama--

Shaking

2009-08-05T10:05:00.001-04:00

I'm shaking like a leaf on a tree.
These scars.
Scars.
Scars.
Scars.
Bullets.
Shrapnel.
Beatings.

But smiling.
Resilent.
More than anyone I've ever met.
It's my birthday and they act like it's a day to really celebrate.
While I'm sitting here wondering how they don't break down and cry every day.
They're not terrorists.
They're my friends.

So stop gasping when I say I'm in Palestine.
The people here are amazing.
There is no danger from the PALESTINIANS.
Gasp when I say I'm going to Israel.

I'm not brave.
Stop saying I am.
Anyone can buy a plane ticket.
They're the brave ones.
I'm just here to watch.

Ziet

2009-08-02T04:20:00.002-04:00

He is 10 years old.
His name is Ziet.
He likes to play English football.
He has been shot in the foot by Israeli soldiers.
He laughs.
He runs.
He listens attentively when his teenage friends tell their prison stories.
If there is another Intifada, he will be throwing stones.
He land was taken.
His friends have been killed.
He has run from bullets.
Not fast enough.
Sometimes he is a little too violent.
And I'm afraid it's because of all he has seen.
If you hit someone in front of your child, they may start to hit people too.
He gets uncomfortable when you say you love him.
He watches quietly, listening, collecting information about the Occupation.
I feel he is storing it away in his brain.
Waiting to let it all out.

Aida

2009-07-31T05:24:00.001-04:00

I am in a camp called Aida Camp right outside Bethlehem.
I have been here about a week so far.
On the second day I went with four new friends to watch a house, that they had stayed in, be demolished.
Children were watching and all around the house. Israeli police stood around with machine guns, glaring and yelling at the kids and at us.
By the time we got there Israeli settlers were already there and inside the house.
Laughing at the kids.
People who arrived before us were arrested when they tried to stop it.
All we could do was try and document.
A boy said 'that is my home'. He looked about 8 years old.
One child picked up a tile from the house.
It had a heart carved into it.
He showed it to his friend who took it, laughed, and threw it at the rest of the rubble in disgust.
An old woman looked close to tears.

We met the children later that day at the camp. We played football (the British kind) and basketball and I taught girls to make friendship bracelets.
We started our work project.
We started clearing land for the children to play in.
We collected rocks to go around the trees to sit on.

That night there was shooting in the camp.
A house was burned.
Four people were arrested.
The Israeli soldiers burned clothes.
The people said 'that's okay, our neighbors will bring more'
They got angry and smashed dishes.
The people said 'that's okay, our neighbors will bring more'
There was nothing they could do to crush the spirits of these people.
They started to shoot. Randomly.
No was was injured. They've gotten used to dodging bullets.
In the morning the children collected shells of the bullets.
I put one in my pocket.
We did games with the 1-25 year olds.
We found out almost all of them had been injured by Israeli soldiers.

I haven't been able to cry.
We visited the baby hospital.
We saw the effects of the Wall. Of the Occupation.
How they can't get to emergency hospitals when something is wrong.
We walked through Bethlehem with a man who had been in the siege on the Church of Bethlehem.
We touched the ground where his friends had been murdered.

I still can't cry.
I started to write a poem.
Someone read my palm.
I wanted to cry.
But I still can't.

I have started to forget any world besides the one I am living in right now.
And I am not sure I want to return to any kind of world that does not acknowledge this world.

I have started smoking.
Who wouldn't?
The stress we feel every
damn
day
although it does not compare to that of the people living here
it's enough that every person here
went and bought a pack of cigarettes.
And I still
can't
cry.
There are not
enough
tears.

blue, the most human color.

2009-07-09T19:37:00.004-04:00

Just got a spinny wheel online for the ratters. Built them a pretty huge cage. They keep trying to escape and all they want to do is be in the cage. I try and get them out to play but they don't really want to. They have a little house that they both like to squeeze into and they won't come out for anything. I don't think they like me all that much. They can reach my thyme from their cage and they are eating it right now. In between trying to squeeze out.

Not feeling good at all lately. More and more paranoid-y thoughts. Lots of anxiety. Not really depressed as much as just upset. Maybe I'll feel better soon. Harry Potter comes out soon anyway. Thanks to Dirk for reminding me (not that I could ever forget). So that should be fun. I'm going with my potter posse. We haven't gotten together since high school so that is hopefully going to be awesome. I often find myself not wanting to see anyone from high school because they remind me of who I used to be. But these people are really cool.

Nothing more to report. Pointless post.

some call me the gangster of love

2009-07-04T01:33:00.003-04:00

I got two little ratters on July 1st. I like to write down the exact date I got them so I can easily count how long I've had them. Their names are Peteh and Pickles. If you don't already know, here's where you can read about their names. Go buy the book because it's fantastic. Even at 18 years old, I spent good money on that book. I call Ellie Pete and she called me Pickles sometimes. Peteh is also Ani Difranco's daughter's name. Anyway, my rats are pretty cute. Not at all what you'd think of when you'd think of rats. That's why I like to call them 'ratters' because it sounds nicer and doesn't have the initial negative connotations.

I went to a punk show tonight. It was pretty good. I hadn't been to one in awhile so it was nice to get back out into that scene. There are a lot of really cool people who I'd like to get to know better. I did meet a girl though who was really messed up. She was on some heavy anti-depressants and she had been drinking. She could barely talk. It was so sad. There were people looking out for her though, which made me feel better. People think of punks as dirty, angry, violent people. There is a lot of that, I guess, but we also really look out for our own. And 'our own' pretty much includes everyone except Nazis. I will tell you one thing about that show; I have never seen so much leopard print in one place.

Tomorrow (today I guess) we leave for Goshen to celebrate the 4th of July. Kinda wish fireworks weren't supposed to look like bombs. I'll miss my ratters while we're gone. I've been training them to come when I call them and to go up a ladder. They're super smart. I hope they don't get scared by the fireworks. I know I do sometimes. Loud popping noises always make me drop to the ground or at least jump. At the show, the drummer hit his drum and I jumped so much people around me thought I was having a seizure or something.

I think I'll go read some fairy tales now. I've been reading from my favorite fairy tale book from when I was little. Some of them end too well though. The only one I've come across that was not happily ever after was Rumpelstiltskin. Poor old Rumpel ended up ripping himself in half. I really want the original Grimms Brothers fairy tales. Where Cinderella's step sisters cut off their toes in order to fit into the shoe. That is some good stuff.
I've been having trouble falling asleep recently and the fairy tales have helped a little, as have the rats with all their skuttering around. (Is skutter not a word? Scudder? Scutter? Hmmm...) But it does make for some pretty weird dreams.

Five hours till I have to wake up so maybe I'll try and get some shut eye. Bahhhhhhh. I don't want to. I want to play with my rats and go to punk shows and eat fried chicken with Shani and Robert. I also want my blanket. But I'm not so sure where it is. I should probably find that before I go to sleep. Okay. Found it. I don't know why I'm putting off going to sleep. Maybe it's because I know that dancing sugarplumbs are not what await me. More like rats trapped in towers with realllllllllyyyy long fur...

get to know the trees

2009-05-15T00:31:00.003-04:00

I'm home now. It's really great to see my parents after all this time. I really missed them. I haven't seen any of my friends yet though, which is pretty depressing. Everyone is really busy, I guess. But I don't have too many friends left in Madison, anyway. So when one person is busy, it feels like no one is available. One of my goals this summer is to make more friends.
I feel like the energy in my room is really negative, though. I'm guessing it's from all the years I spent pent-up and angry in there. It just doesn't feel like my room. It feels like a guest room and an angry ghost is haunting the place. I'm trying to shake off the feeling of sadness but there's just something about it that sticks to me. It affects my whole mood. Even when I leave my room I feel suffocated in it. I've been trying to cover it up with crafting a lot. I'm part of a crafting swap on Craftser.com. It's pretty cool. The swap is a "Cheer Up" swap. We just make things for our partner to cheer them up. I've been doing some embrodering and painting. I hope it turns out well. At school, I made a doll for Ellie that looks like me and gave it to her before we left. Turns out she made me a sock monkey! See picture. From left to right, Sophie and Stanley. I really miss Ellie and it's hard not seeing her everyday. She doesn't have internet and probably won't for awhile so we can't Skype. Hopefully she'll be visiting at the end of this month though, which would make me one happy Soph.
I'm trying to cross-stitch an alphabet quilt but my eyes have been hurting and my maybe-arthritis has been pretty bad since getting back home. I wake up and my knuckles are just killing me. Sometimes I don't want to go do things because I know my knees will hurt too bad the next day if I do too much. It really sucks. I need to remember to take Aleve, I always forget and just suffer on. Haha.
Not much is going on, I guess. Just starting this summer out pretty slowly. Gearing up for the long road ahead!

the rain stains the brick a darker red

2009-05-07T00:36:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow my parents come to get me. I'm excited to go home, yet extremely sad. It feels good to be independent. I get a chance to take care of myself. It pushed me outside my comfort zone and I think I really rose to the challenge. I don't know how I will get used to living in the house with my parents again. I know we'll work it out though. It might feel good to let some of the responsibility go for a little while.

Today I watched the documentary Occupation 101 again. It is the main source that inspired me to want to go volunteer in Palestine. My Palestinian friend, Mona, showed it to me. She was a huge inspiration. I think she's really excited that I'm going. Hopefully we can meet up while I'm there. I'm getting pretty nervous about it. After seeing the random shooting going on there, and seeing the real people that are killed and affected by it, I decided I had to go try and make a difference. But these are the same things that are terrifying me. I have been thinking a lot about Rachel Corrie. She was a young woman who was volunteering in Gaza and was run over by a bulldozer while trying to stop them from destroying homes. She is a huge inspiration to me. People keep saying to me "Wow, Sophie you're my hero. I can't believe you're going over there." But I'm not the real hero. Rachel stood up to the oppressors. She was really speaking out and doing things. She gave up her life for this. I'm no hero. Rachel's words really spoke to me and gave me real courage to actually get up the nerve to get my butt in gear.

"I'm witnessing this chronic, insidious genocide and I'm really scared, and questioning my fundamental belief in the goodness of human nature. This has to stop. I think it is a good idea for us all to drop everything and devote our lives to making this stop. I don't think it's an extremist thing to do anymore. I still really want to dance around to Pat Benatar and have boyfriends and make comics for my coworkers. But I also want this to stop."

It's hard to imagine that people are dying right now while I'm sitting in bed, all warm and hyped up on an iced white chocolate mocha. But they are. And that's why I feel called to go. I will be in the West Bank, which is not as bad as Gaza, but it is still pretty bad. Hopefully I will be able to make some kind of difference.

Once a man was walking along a beach. In the distance he could see a girl going back and forth from the shore to the beach. As the man approached he could see that there were hundreds of starfish stranded on the sand as the result of the natural action of the tide. The man was stuck by the the apparent futility of the task. There were far too many starfish. Many of them were sure to perish. As he approached the girl continued the task of picking up starfish one by one and throwing them into the surf. As he came up to the girl he said, "You must be crazy. There are thousands of miles of beach covered with starfish. You can't possibly make a difference." The girl looked at the man. She then stooped down and picked up one more starfish and threw it back into the ocean. She turned back to the man and said, "I made a difference to that one."

love is the answer, at least for most of the questions in my heart

2009-04-26T12:47:00.001-04:00

I am finishing up my first year of college. It was an interesting year, that's for sure. First semester was really hard. As an only child, I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I'm used to having all the attention. Going into a college where I had no real friends was a really hard transition. My school is more of a party school than I thought, and trying to find my place in it was very difficult. I missed my parents like crazy and within the first week of classes, my grandmother died.

I loved my Ema very much, she was a rock on my mom's side of the family. She sent me postcards every week when I was little. She and Abba came to live in Madison a few summers when I was little as well. I stayed with her a lot when I was a baby when my mom was still making the trip from New York to Madison a lot and my dad was starting up his own business.
It was really hard to try and deal with college when I was also trying to deal with the death of Ema.

Closer to the end of my first semester I got back in contact with an old boyfriend. Gabe is a recovering drug addict, a compulsive liar, bipolar, and he is very manipulative. I was stressed out all the time from trying to take care of him/keep him sober. But through him I met Josh, so it wasn't all bad. I felt so free after ending things with Gabe and things were going really great with Josh.

Josh was the love of my very short 18 year life (with the possible exception of Pedro when I was in kindergarten). I won't say he was perfect, that would make him boring. But our personalities fit like puzzle pieces. I lit up whenever I was around him and he never made me feel like crap, as Gabe did. But our problem was that he was still living not only with Gabe, but also with the mother of his daughter. I met his daughter Kyah, who is 2 years old, when I visited them in Minneapolis. She is a jewel and I adore her.
A lot of things happened very quickly but in the end Josh ended things with me and got back together with the mother of Kyah, for Kyah's sake. He didn't want to but Kyah's mother was going to fight for custody if he didn't.

I miss Josh's friendship. He was one of my closest friends. After losing all of my high school friends after a big fight, it was nice to find another good friend and I was sorry to lose that.

When second semester started, my friendship with a girl named Elissha really grew. We are currently inseparable. Ellie is the best friend I have ever had. She is there whenever I need her and I'm there for her. You would never guess that we would be best friends. She has brown hair and she's pretty small, not quite 5 feet and she's so skinny she can't donate blood. She looks pretty normal. I am pretty big and I have a pink mohawk that is constantly changing. Yet, we're best friends.

School is ending and I'm going to be very sad to leave Ellie and go back to Wisconsin. I'll be trying to find a job over the summer. Then I'll be leaving for Israel on the 19th of July with my mother. We'll spend a week traveling around Israel and then she'll go home and I'll go on to Palestine to work in a refugee camp. When I return, I'll be getting ready to head off to Philadelphia. I got into an internship program there that I'll get college credit for. The first week we start looking for an apartment to live in. Then we look into which internship we want to do. I'm going to be looking into art therapy programs and working in mental hospitals.

College. Hmmmm. I think I like it.